Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Randomize
