I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
