also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
