The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
