when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
