When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize
