someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
