You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Randomize
