tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
