Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Sext me about skeletons
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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