His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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