I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
