Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
