Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
