First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
