I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
