Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
