I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
True but thats because hes a fetus.
This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
