Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
