she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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