my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
