I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Just invented taco cereal.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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