atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Bring me that man meat
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
