why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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