Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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