she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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