If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I want to be your penis for a week.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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