I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
