I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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