Whod you bang
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
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