I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize