Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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