Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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