Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize