i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I said "one day" and that day is not today
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