Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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