i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Randomize
