quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
