Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
