Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
So much rum. So many feels.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
