you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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