Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
