I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
