non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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