She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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