i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
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