im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize