Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize