You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
