I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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