Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
