just come out here and I will go home with you...
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
