Betty ford says i'm here all night
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
