So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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