You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
