apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
