So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
