Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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