Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Randomize
