im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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